Sunday, September 17, 2006

Hate Your Life And Want To Die?

These are like possibly the worst ways to kill yourself. What's the best? Hmm, I wouldn't know now, would I?

1. Poison
   What? Are we still living in Shakespearean times a la Romeo & Juliet? Very outdated! Moreover, if you can drink the shots pulled by certain unnamed Starbucks individuals, no amount of arsenic can kill you!


2. Drowning
   Unless you have access to a very secluded pool of water, some idiot is bound to try and save you. You can try holding your head down in a pail of water, but chances are, you'd die of a broken neck before you drown.


3. Slitting of wrists
   Option only for individuals who don't have tattoos on their wrists. And if you really wanted to feel pain that way, go get inked instead!


4. Hanging
   Ah, the favorite of highly disturbed male vocalists (Michael Hutchence, Ian Curtis) If you're like really fat, make sure you hang yourself from a strong support, otherewise the beams are gonna come crashing down!


5. Pills
   Again no guarantees. I don't know enough about sleeping pills to comment, but again, be careful. If you take too many of the wrong thing (for example, Ecstasy), you might also end up with a broken neck! (Refer to #2)


6. Jumping
   Effective, yes, but messy. I guess when you're dead, you wouldn't really care that some poor soul is going to live with nightmares of finding your battered remains with your brains all oozing out. Just make sure you don't land on some fat person who will break your fall.

If all else fails, then you might need professional advice. I'd refer you to the Darwin Awards. Who knows? You might get a posthumous mention!

The Darwin Awards salute the improvement of the human genome by honoring those who accidentally kill themselves in really stupid ways.

(In other words, these award recepients REALLY deserved to die!)

Posted by jack at 7:39 AM

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