Wednesday, August 30, 2006


In The Still Of The Night

I hate not being able to sleep... been having sleepless nights for like the past week or so now. At the very best, I fall asleep for a couple of hours, and then I wake again, and I stay awake till dawn breaks. Every sound is amplified in the still of the night. The beating of my heart sounds like the pounding of drums in my head. The only light I see is from the 'book as I sit here and stare at a blank screen, as blank as my mind.

This sucks.

In the still of the night, no one hears you when you laugh, no one holds you when you cry. There is no one but yourself...

I hate not being able to sleep.

Posted by jack at 12:19 PM

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Sunday, August 20, 2006


Don't Give Up

Don't give up on us, baby
Don't make the wrong seem right
The future isn't just one night
It's written in the moonlight
Painted on the stars
We can't change ours

Don't give up on us, baby
Lord knows we've come this far
Can't we stay the way we are?
The angel and the dreamer
Who sometimes plays a fool
Don't give up on us, I know
We can still come through

Don't give up on us, baby
We're still worth one more try
I know we put a last one by
Just for a rainy evening
When maybe stars are few
Don't give up on us, I know
We can still come through

Posted by jack at 12:53 PM

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Woes From The Help Desk

The phone rings...

Caller: "Hi, I'm calling to check if my computer has been fixed."

Help Desk: "Erm, which computer might that be?"

Caller: "The Mac."

(Note that this is an Apple help desk, so like duh!)

Help Desk: "Yes, which Mac?"

Caller: "The Big Mac."

At this point, the help desk seriously considered diverting the call to the nearest McDonalds.

This true-life incident reminds me of when I used to work in Borders. Customers would come in and ask the info counter for help in finding a book. The conversation would go something like this...

Customer: "Hi, you had a book on display at the front last weekend. It had a green cover, with white words, with a picture of a girl and her dog standing by the lake watching the sunset. The girl was in a dress, and I think the dog was a dalmatian."

(Wow, you would think that the customer has a photographic memory. But wait, it gets better...)

Bookseller: "So what was the name of the book or the author?"

Customer: "Erm... I can't remember..."

Posted by jack at 12:06 PM

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Searching My Soul

Ally McBeal and her search for happiness... as Ginia Bellafante wrote in The Times, "Utimately, her trademark neuroses became Ally's downfall. Her internal dialogues were too many; she made happiness too elusive; her narcissistic torment became too grating to watch." I always felt that she was happy at times, but she had this total aversion to being happy. It was as if the search for happiness was what defined her, that if she admitted she was happy, it would destroy her very essence.

Although she was definitely one of the more irritating characters on the show, I empathised with Ally McBeal the most. I understood when she broke off perfectly fine relationships because she couldn't believe that she might be happy for once. I understood her misery at being happy. I understood the reasons behind her constant search for happiness. I understood her.

I have spent my whole life telling myself that I am not happy. I could have everything that I possibly desire, and yet... I'm not happy. Is it from wanting more? Is it a natural instinct from being an only child? (And no, I never was a pampered child, I wish I could say that I was, but no, I wasn't. Maybe I'll do another entry on my childhood soon) No, how could I want more when I already have EVERYTHING that I desire? I believe that my unhappiness stems from the fact that somewhere deep inside, I feel I don't deserve to be happy. I haven't quite earned that right. So what do I do? I screw up everything that I have. I find reasons to support my theory that the happiness I might have is only superficial, only temporary at best.

I am in a relationship with a truly amazing girl at this moment. She is all that I could ever want, and more. And the best part of it all? She loves me. I should be estatic, over-the-moon, right? No, I spend my time wallowing in misery and self-doubt. Because I can't see myself for the way that she sees me, I can't see what she loves about me. And I bring her down...

But I do want to be happy. I do want to experience the joys and the laughter, the love that comes from being in a relationship with someone special. I'm a little tired of being miserable. I'm a little tired of dark shadows and overcast skies. I'm a little tired of me. I need to break free from the walls that I have built around myself... I need to break out of the chains that I have secured around me.

Because I deserve more than this. I have lived through my fair share of misery, and it's time that I had a break. Although my life is not perfect right now, it ain't that bad either. I have wonderful parents, I have a job that pays a pretty decent salary, I have friends who cared if I lived or died, I have the most awesome girlfriend in the world. I might not have a lot of money, or a fancy-schmancy job title, I might not have a car, or a dozen gold cards, or an overseas degree, but at the end of the day, when I take stock of my life, I have what truly matters the most.

Now damn me if that isn't reason enough for me to be happy.

Posted by jack at 9:41 AM

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Friday, August 18, 2006


The Fatty Truth

I feel fat.

I haven't been to the gym in almost five months, can't even remember when the last time I got on a bike was... I've lost muscle definition, and I doubt I'd last on the bike for more than ten minutes... there goes my dream of riding like Lance...

Sigh... I'm feeling so listless and lethargic, and I think at some point soon, I should really consider going for a run...

Before you comment that I don't look fat (oh, would someone please comment?), I should say that I have a high body fat percentage... which means that although I'm not physically fat, I'm lugging around buckets of lard internally!

And the icing on the cake? (Man, I gotta stop thinking about food!) I'm actually losing weight! So it works like this, the more weight I lose, the higher my body fat percentage increases!

Anyone looking for a gym buddy?

Posted by jack at 9:19 AM

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Does The Truth Always Have To Hurt?

How truthful are you in your blog? Do you write about what you really feel, or do you write what you reckon your "audience" wants to read? Do you embellish the truth just to spice things up a little? Create fantasies just for a bit of hype? What if you actually stop being able to distinguish between fact and fiction?

I know people who maintain more than one blog just to cater to different readers. I can't help but wonder how they keep their different personas separate. After all, one must have different personas to lead different lives, right?

I guess after so long, this whole concept of blogging is still a bit strange to me. Yes, I do want to say what I think and feel, and yet, there are some things that I want to keep private. Because I don't want things out in black-and-white for the whole world to read. Yes, given that it's my blog and my personal space, but I also lead a life outside of the blog. I won't embellish things just to make it fancy. Ok, so maybe my life might suck or it might bore one to tears just reading it, but at the end of the day, hey, it's me... and it's real. What I choose to share, my thoughts, my feelings, my joy, my sorrows, my laughter, my tears, my hurts, my pain, my anguish, that's all me... just me...

Posted by jack at 4:47 AM

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Tuesday, August 15, 2006


Her Absence

And at times the fact of her absence will hit you like a blow to the chest, and you will weep.

But this will happen less and less as time goes on...

Posted by jack at 1:51 PM

2 Comments:

hey does that mean as time goes by you miss your girlfriend lesser and lesser and that the relationship means lesser and lesser to you?

hmmm...just my thought...

By Blogger Athena Stars at August 17, 2006 8:51 AM  

I never stop missing her... all the time when I'm not with her.

Does it mean lesser to me? Each day I fall harder, yet at times I wonder, does it mean lesser and lesser to her? I would give her the world if I could, but would she take it from me, or even appreciate it?

Now that is MY thought...

By Blogger jack at August 18, 2006 12:33 AM  

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Tuesday, August 08, 2006


Love Story

This one's for you baby, this is what your lovin' does to me...

Where do I begin?
To tell the story of how great a love can be
The sweet love story that is older than the sea
The simple truth about the love she brings to me
Where do I start?

Like a summer rain
That cools the pavement with a patent leather shine
She came into my life and made the living fine
And gave a meaning to this empty world of mine
She fills my heart

She fills my heart with very special things
With angels' songs, with wild imaginings
She fills my soul with so much love
That anywhere I go, I'm never lonely
With her along, who could be lonely
I reach for her hand, it's always there

How long does it last?
Can love be measured by the hours in a day?
I have no answers now, but this much I can say
I'm going to need her till the stars all burn away
And she'll be there

She fills my heart with very special things
With angels' songs, with wild imaginings
She fills my soul with so much love
That anywhere I go, I'm never lonely
With her along, who could be lonely
I reach for her hand, it's always there

How long does it last?
Can love be measured by the hours in a day?
I have no answers now, but this much I can say
I'm going to need her till the stars all burn away
And she'll be there



Click play to listen

Posted by jack at 11:13 AM

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Tuesday, August 01, 2006


What's The Most Difficult Word To Say In The English Language?

"Sorry"

Too much ego, too much pride to admit my faults,
I try to shift the blame to you.

The barbs and stings of my words can't be assuaged in a simple apology,
and just because I didn't mean it doesn't make it right.

Verbal debates, tempers flare...
and all hell breaks loose.

Sticks and stones may break my bones,
but words will always be my undoing.

They say things will get easier with practice, so let me try it now...
I'm sorry for being such a jerk, I've been quite short-fused lately, understandably so. Still does not justify anything I say in a fit of anger. Like a wild beast trapped in a corner, I lash out at the closest things around me. And you, my baby, are the closest to me...

I'm sorry.

Posted by jack at 9:30 AM

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