Sunday, August 20, 2006
Searching My Soul
Ally McBeal and her search for happiness... as Ginia Bellafante wrote in The Times,
"Utimately, her trademark neuroses became Ally's downfall. Her internal dialogues were too many; she made happiness too elusive; her narcissistic torment became too grating to watch." I always felt that she was happy at times, but she had this total aversion to being happy. It was as if the search for happiness was what defined her, that if she admitted she was happy, it would destroy her very essence.
Although she was definitely one of the more irritating characters on the show, I empathised with Ally McBeal the most. I understood when she broke off perfectly fine relationships because she couldn't believe that she might be happy for once. I understood her misery at being happy. I understood the reasons behind her constant search for happiness. I understood her.
I have spent my whole life telling myself that I am not happy. I could have everything that I possibly desire, and yet... I'm not happy. Is it from wanting more? Is it a natural instinct from being an only child? (And no, I never was a pampered child, I wish I could say that I was, but no, I wasn't. Maybe I'll do another entry on my childhood soon) No, how could I want more when I already have EVERYTHING that I desire? I believe that my unhappiness stems from the fact that somewhere deep inside, I feel I don't deserve to be happy. I haven't quite earned that right. So what do I do? I screw up everything that I have. I find reasons to support my theory that the happiness I might have is only superficial, only temporary at best.
I am in a relationship with a truly amazing girl at this moment. She is all that I could ever want, and more. And the best part of it all? She loves me. I should be estatic, over-the-moon, right? No, I spend my time wallowing in misery and self-doubt. Because I can't see myself for the way that she sees me, I can't see what she loves about me. And I bring her down...
But I do want to be happy. I do want to experience the joys and the laughter, the love that comes from being in a relationship with someone special. I'm a little tired of being miserable. I'm a little tired of dark shadows and overcast skies. I'm a little tired of me. I need to break free from the walls that I have built around myself... I need to break out of the chains that I have secured around me.
Because I deserve more than this. I have lived through my fair share of misery, and it's time that I had a break. Although my life is not perfect right now, it ain't that bad either. I have wonderful parents, I have a job that pays a pretty decent salary, I have friends who cared if I lived or died, I have the most awesome girlfriend in the world. I might not have a lot of money, or a fancy-schmancy job title, I might not have a car, or a dozen gold cards, or an overseas degree, but at the end of the day, when I take stock of my life, I have what truly matters the most.
Now damn me if that isn't reason enough for me to be happy.
Posted by jack at 9:41 AM
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