Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Closure
I chanced upon an acquaintance's blog today. i always though he was such a happy-go-lucky guy, until today when I realised just how much pain he is going through. To quote the princess,
"Why are we so obsessed over our own feelings and hold no regards to others? why are we always so caught up in our pain, misery, happiness, anger; that we failed to notice the feelings or emotions of others? are we so warped in our own emotions that we can't even notice others? are our emotions so important that we have to be excused for failing others? are our situations more realistic that others have at most become third best, since second best are reserved for out-look crisis? to put it simply: we so warped with ourselves that we failed to notice other people's feelings. we're plain selfish."(Guilty as charged!)
Anyway, back to Leonard... this is what he blogged,
"It's been over 4 years going 5... and I thought I had forgotten. Maybe its because I chose to forget and tried to bury the past. It hurt too much then. It still hurts now when I remember.
3 years have gone by since I finally got out of my depression. I had started all over again. I have a brand new life. A brand new mindset and a brand new out look of life. Whatever has happened in the past, I've dug a hole 6 foot deep and buried it there. The past which I just want to leave it unspoken, forgotten, untouched. It went on well for 3 years. Yet it resurfaced.
How does one escape the pain of a broken heart? Since the break up, I've been blaming myself. I've never forgiven myself. We were young. Maybe foolish. Yet it was nobody's fault. It could have been better if it never started in the first place. I wasn't the one who initiated the relationship. Yet now, I'm the one left suffering. There was no closure. As such, that left an open wound. A wound no matter the type of bandage used, still hurts, still bleeds.
I don't dare to face my past. I can't. I was down in that bloody hole for way too long. I threw away more than a year of my life. It drove me close to suicide. I still want to leave the past forgotten. Yet the pain that resurfaced is too much to bear.
How do I bury a past to focus on the present that will lead me to a future?"While I can't feel his pain, I do understand what he's going through, having been in a very similar situation myself... I once thought I needed closure, I seeked it for the longest time. But I learnt the hard way that sometimes, some things will always be left hanging... you can either wallow in misery for the rest of your life, seeking that which won't be found, or you can accept that things will always remain where you left them, and move on with your life.
Maybe the need for closure comes from never confronting your pain. Maybe it's because you bury it deep within in the hopes that you could just forget about it. Whatever it is, in my opinion, wounds hurt, wounds bleed... but wounds also heal. It might leave a scar, true, a painful reminder sometimes, but they heal.
Faced with a choice of living in the past or choosing a new chapter in my life, I chose to let the past be just that, past.
Posted by jack at 8:59 AM
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